Change is good....duh!

I know that all of you reading this right now are no dummies...I know that you know change is good. Give me a chance to elaborate so you can eat the word you just uttered ("Duh" obviously).

My husband is reading a new book (title unknown at this time) and he summarized a particular section that he found enlightening the other day...it was something along the lines of we push away creativity, avoid it because it's so risky.  If you create something it is on display to be rejected and you are left with a sadness and maybe even regret for trying. We often defer it to someone else so if and when it fails we can proudly say "huh, I thought that was a dumb idea all along". 
So what does this have to do with change...its the same kind of feeling...the same kind of risk.  When you change jobs for example you run the risk that it might be worse than the job you hold currently...what a fool you will feel like...how much regret will you carry and for how long before you get over it.  It's the same with creativity...if we avoid these things we are safe to stay the same, comfortable, risk free, sparing our egos any potential humiliation.  I completely understand why people chose the road that looks familiar. The city that they grew up in...the same bars...same friends etc. The thing is I can't say that this isn't a good choice for anybody else...maybe some people suffer from undiagnosed anxiety disorders and couldn't handle straying away from their own norms.  Maybe they don't and are just genuinely content to keep the status quo and allow for much more small scale variations in life...reading a new book, taking up gardening, painting their bedroom.
As for me...I most certainly feel the fear of the possible outcomes of change and creativity but I've come to find that my brain erodes away when I avoid them. 

My mom said to me recently as we were reminiscing about my childhood that my adult life has been very calm and boring (she meant this in a good way) compared to the constant chaos of my early years.  She probably has no idea how profound a statement this was for me to hear to this day.  I felt a sinking gut punched feeling.  I don't know why but it hurt my feelings.  As an adult I have kind of done everything by the book. I graduated from college, got married, graduated from grad school, got a good job, had a couple of babies...please don't get me wrong here I am not expressing dissatisfaction with my life...just demonstrating how normal and safe it is.  It's felt very exciting and challenging at times but at the same time I can absolutely see how I have avoided change and creativity.  We live in the same house, in the same city, with mostly the same friends (whom I love dearly and wouldn't trade for anything in the world), I do the same exercise class, we've had the same jobs (until recently). Same Christmas routine, same summer routine, same daily routine. It's been this path of normalcy that led me to my slump. 
About 4 months ago I suffered with depression.  I kind of can't even believe it happened...it came on so gradually I hardly noticed it until I hit a point I couldn't deny it. I felt like it didn't make sense..I had dealt with far harder times before and made it out scot free.  I knew I was in a bad place when I dropped my kids off for a night at Grammy's (Waylon was out of town) and I felt unimaginably compelled to go sing karoke...by myself....probably at some lonely bar.  I'm sure sane people have done this before....but I don't....I realized that the feeling it gave me was kind of a jolt...it made me feel alive to imagine embarrassing myself by singing at a bar..or maybe I even thought I would do a good job and I would be applauded and begged for an encore.  All I know is I was googleing karoke bars in Tulsa when I realized something was terribly wrong with me.  As I started to seek help by talking to my friends and family and started to say things out loud it became so obvious and so real. 
I don't know how I got so low...I mean I LOVE my children and my husband, I want for nothing.. and this only perpetuated my negative thinking.  Not only was I depressed but now I hate myself for being dissatisfied when I have so much more than so many others. I don't have a chronic illness, I'm not poor, I have a very challenging and rewarding job. 
So want to know my theory?  I got in a rut of all work and no play.  I expected too much of myself...I commited to too much. Then everytime I fell short..which was every single day maybe more than once a day I let myself down.  My husband works 6 days a week and often gets home late..Sunday being our only day off together meant mowing the yard, cleaning the house, grocery store and before you know it it's Monday. We felt guilty to ask our parents to do more than I already do to give us some date nights so every day was the same. No excitement when the weekends came because they looked just like the weekdays. And I find both of jobs so rewarding but so very draining too.  So this went on for so long I probably couldn't even think of time that it was different. Every day very much the same, very stressful, very tiring with no hope of day off or a break or trip or a date.  It all makes such perfect sense now.  In the depths of it I found myself doing some destructive things....No I didn't start drinking heavily or beg my PCP for a prescription for Xanax. I googled jobs in Seattle, homes for sale in Portland (I really like Washington). I looked for houses in Tulsa but it only made me feel more sad...just not enough of a variation from my life to change homes.  My husband humored me...he even seriously considered it at one point. But it all started to sound crazy...too risky.
Now maybe in my younger days this would have been an option...but I have children now...beautiful, darling, amazing, brilliant little girls and they are my priority. So uprooting them from everything they know and love on a chance that maybe moving will make me happy wasn't the right thing to do.  So I got happy at home...what helped me get there without therapy and drugs? Change....and creativity.
I need it...I can NOT thrive without it.  So maybe that's it...I started my life out of chaos and constant change...some of this was hard and unpleasant but I had SO many opportunities for growth...so many adult influences that gave me alternate perspectives on life that ultimately made me this girl here now. It is the remedy for what ails me.  I'm glad to have realized it...now is the tricky part of balancing new and different with doing what is best for my family and what is practical and smart.

My husband just took a new job...the amount of stress that he (we) endured over the three days he had to make that decision was insurmountable...I think I had a mini shingles breakout over the whole thing.  It's a good think I was back in my happy place before this event transpired or it could have gotten really ugly. 
To watch my husband deal with the agonizing pain of making this decision was awful to watch.  I watched him, sat close to him, touched his shoulder...but I couldn't make the choice for him..in fact I didn't even know what I would have said if he came out and asked me what he should do.  On the morning that he had to give an answer I looked at him and said "well...what do you think?" and he said "I don't know". He went to work that day with me not knowing what our life was going to look like at the end of the day.
I got a text message at noon.....it said this "I think I.................." (he loves to be mysterious)
"should take the job".  I felt sick...what if this was a bad decision...this was my chance to talk him out of it...but did I want him too..I couldn't because it's his career so I shouldn't influence him.....
so I said this "whether you chose to go or to stay we will all be fine....I want you to do what you want to do".
No response........................then when I couldn't stand it any longer I called him. He has just gotten off the phone with people from the new job. I said "well?" and he said "I took the job".
After I spent a little time reassuring him that I'm sure that must have been the right thing to do we got of the phone and I burst into tears. I cried hard...I'm not sure what that feeling was...I was sad...I was scared...I was relieved...I felt alive. This was change it's most raw form...it's not for the weak of heart that's for sure.
We are now about a month into the new job...and I won't go into much about what he does but I will say this...it was the right thing to do....as far as I can tell.  It has stimulated so much growth, opened up new windows for more change down the road.  I know that life changes in bad ways too...but I think even those force us to grow, evolve, transform...and it's meant to be that way.

I am not a baker

I just finished baking sugar cookies in the shape of pumpkins with my oldest daughter Ella (who just turned 4 last week). I thought to myself as I was icing them that I might like to take a picture of them and post it on facebook...which spiraled down a long dark and twisty path of overanalyzing and self destructive thinking.... starting with this question... 'Will people think I am bragging about my baking skills? Will they wonder if I stole the idea off of pinterest? Will they only be impressed if I can say that I made them from scratch? Will they think I am tooting my Super Mom horn because I'm implying that I just spent some quality time with my child?...... I know, it's exhausting to be me.  So instead I will post the picture here on my private blog attached with my10 page dissertation on Why I Baked Pumpkin Cookies With My Child Today.
My daughter loves baking... probably because I have groomed her too, but nontheless she loves it. She loves that she knows the needed ingredients even before I read them off the back of the duncan hines cookie mix bag...err. I mean before I recite from memory my great grandmothers home made sugar cookie recipe. She is careful to mix without spilling (too much). She likes to have a little taste of whatever treat we are creating along the way and she is sure to remind me "Mommy, there are raw eggs in it though" as I shovel large globs of raw cookie dough into my mouth I reply "Yes that is true sweetheart and there IS a small chance we will come down with salmonella poisoning...a much greater chance for you then me because I have a stronger immune system but let's live on then wild side...the worst thing that can happen is we will die". Then we smile at each other, shovel on, and  agree that it will be worth it. :)

I am not a baker like I said in the title.  I don't often make desserts from scratch, I google whatever I want to make and go with the recipe that sounds the easiest and that has the least amount of ingredients. I roll cookies with a can of Pam, I ice with my fingers, I use whatever scooby doo leftover sprinkles we have in the back of the cubbard. I don't have a lofty dream of owning my own bakery someday or writing a book on cake pops. I simply love going through the motions of stirring, mixing, rolling, and folding. Of watching my daughter take pride in pouring in the flour without spilling. I love talking to my daughter as we create something together.  She often leans in and kisses my shoulder or my arm while we bake which makes me believe that she loves this time with me almost as I much as I love it with her. 
We have so far made cake pops (one time successfully and one time disastrously), doughnuts, acorn doughnut holes, cakes, cupcakes, cookies, apple crisp, and jello (you can be impressed).
I wonder how long she will like doing this with me...I hope it's forever and I hope I get to carry this trandition on with her children. 

So here are our pumpkin cookies.....don't you feel like an asshole for judging me before you read this?